BUDDHISM IS ONLY A WAY TOWARD BUT IS NOT ILLUMINATION

"And for forty-nine years thereafter the Buddha taught in this world.... But he did not, and he could not, teach illumination. Buddhism, therefore, is only a Way. It is called a vehicle (yana) to the yonder shore, transporting us from this shore of the ji hokkai (the experience of the separation of things, the many bulbs, the separate lights) to that, yonder, of the rihokka, beyond concepts and the net of thought, where the knowledge of a Silence beyond silences becomes actual in the blast of an experience." (MYTHS TO LIVE BY, Joseph Campbell, p. 136)


WHAT'S HAPP'NIN' IN THE "NOW BLAST" (2/10/05)

Sitting, yes sitting, at the Starbuck's at the corner of 2nd and Division near the heart of Spokane, Washington. Sunny as a mother-*)^%#@)* and cold, 22 degrees, and I've just come from dropping off a load of crap at the Rockwood Clinic just up the road. We're trying to see if I have a load of unhealthy bacteria up my butt that are causing me to show the symptoms of IBS which I've had for years now, that's irritable bowel syndrome to you. You see, a couple of times recently, I've slightly crapped my pants, fortunately at home, having gotten in the door in time to keep the embarrassment localized. Didn't want to raise a stink about it in a public place.

'Nother thing. For awhile, now, I'm going off my 10 mg of Lexapro. I've only been on the stuff for about a year as a response to frequent physical chest and gut discomfort, the result of retirement getting under my bee bonnet. Also, my good doctor informs me that the class of drugs associated with Lexapro sometimes causes diarrhea (hey, I almost spelled this correctly without the aid of spell check but I typed it with two "h's" instead of two "r's") and urgency when it comes to bowel movements. I have both things, but I've had diarrhea all my life so who knows? A long time ago, a doctor back in Ohio told me that I had "a hyperactive gastrointestinal track". In those days, I used to get a stomach flu almost every winter which would knock me off my feet to writhe on the floor. Codeine was my only relief, and that narcotic didn't stop my bowels from cramping; it only made the pain feel real distant. Kind of like marijuana does. Or should I say "did"? Aren't you glad I got down off my high horse of philosophy, religion and politics to inform you about my bowel functions? "Tis better, by far, to curse the digestive system than reveal the falsehoods of the Christ mythology, eh?

I'm looking forward to seeing how it feels again to be without antidepressants under my skull bonnet. But I don't want to return to an almost constant stress pain in my chest which I was beginning to feel late in my life. I said, at the time, that most of my younger life, I had the resilience to take that pain without noticing it too much, but that as I was getting older, the pain was harder to ignore and dodge. Youth does have it's compensations.

I'm curious to see if I can start up a Zen practice of meditation which doesn't ask any power to come into me other than my own increasing consciousness. I went to two sessions of meditation at the Radha Yoga Center, but when I tried to call "the light" into me, and to revel in the light, I was blocked. It felt too much like calling on Christ to help me. But the Zen practice that Joseph Campbell describes in MYTHS TO LIVE BY which calls for every activity in life to be meditative and full of mindfulness interests me. Probably because that is most near my own nature which is more extroverted than introverted. As soon as I finish Vidal's THE GOLDEN AGE, I'll try to do some reading in Zen practice. Perhaps, though, I'll find that no religious practice will work for me. Too bad I can no longer drink with safety. That bar life I used to lead certainly was full of intense "nowness". Pardon my invented word.

ILLUMINATION

... was thinking even more finely on the experience which others describe as illumination. Though it's a personal experience, still most practices seem to want to call in some force outside of self to get the illumination. Why meditate on a candle? But, better on a candle, which has little meaning for me, than on a "divine" light shining "above" me or an imaginary Jesus in the sky. That concept seems to block me more than free me. Illumination is a feeling which I think is described by Jung's term "individuation" or an attempt to have a transcendent experience. But nothing can transcend the emotive systems in the human body. It's all inside work anyway, an illusion of transcendence which is not transcendent at all. For that original Radha person, her experience can even be called illusory, an illusion, not much different from a psychotic break, which, of course, is what William James suggests is the source of much religious convulsions.

I think what I'm looking for is a perfectly natural way to heighten my consciousness in every waking moment. No outside force, no supernatural means, no drugs, just my individual consciousness intensified.
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"I've steered clear of God. He was an incredible sadist." —John Collier