THE BUSHMAN ISSUES A FATWA

I don’t listen to the Bushman when he talks. It frightens me to hear that America’s being led by a lunatic religious fanatic. My sources tell me that in his little press conference Wednesday night our Bushman came out of the arid desert of his pea brain, like a Moses, prepared to force the Moslem world into democracy by strength of arms. He implied that his God had been talking to him and told him that God gave America democracy and that it was his destiny to spread this democracy all over the world.

Holy Manifest Destiny, bat brains, shades of past mistakes, we’re going on Crusade! The Bushite really meant it a year ago when he called the war in Iraq a Crusade. Saddle up, troopers, we’ve got ourselves a holy war, an American jihad. Watch out North Korea, watch out Palestine, watch out Moslem, non-Christian world, watch out you evil ones—here we come, the righteous ones!

Wait a minute, though! Whoa! Stop the horses! Is the Bushman hearing things out there in the arid bush where his brain lives? He claims to know that his god tells him that his duty is to lead America on a Crusade to rid the world of anything that doesn’t resemble American democracy. But in the book of his god’s word, I think the Bushman calls it the Bible, there is no democracy and no elections (except by an anointing by a higher authority like a king or prince), so his god couldn’t be telling him about democracy. His god doesn’t even recognize a democracy, only kingdoms and princedoms. So the bushman must be hearing things that aren’t there. He must be off his rocker, out of his gourd, several bricks short of a full load! O, goodness sake’s alive, he really is crazy! He hears things that aren’t there!


SUPPORTING THE TROOPS

There is nothing I want to do more than support the lives of our troops, and, so far, I’m not responsible for one death over there in those Moslem countries. Bush has killed them all with his bad decisions. From the beginning, I’ve been trying to save their lives by keeping them out of Iraq, and now I want to support their lives and their families by bringing them home from this nightmare Crusade that a religious fanatic has gotten them into. I pledge to continue to support the lives of our troops by supporting any politician who offers to bring them home as soon as he’s elected.

But, there is one trouble. If the troops support the holy war Bush declared two nights ago to overturn every government that’s not like America’s, and if they want to stay in Iraq, then they sort of say they don’t want me to help keep them alive. Well, that’s their choice. I’ll continue to support their lives even if they don’t want me to. I can do no less. But any soldier who wants my support in keeping him alive, he knows I’m here at home, trying to get him out of Bush’s nightmare and back to sanity as quickly as possible. With a good conscience, a true patriot could do no less.


BAGGING THE JIHAD

The Bushites think that by demonstrating “shock and awe” and “resolve”, they’ll prove to the Arab world (which, like America, only respects force) that the sight of a few body bags won’t deter Bush from his holy war on governments not like America’s government. They’ve been saying exactly that in so many words from the beginning. Yes, what’s a few body bags in a country of hundreds of millions? Who’ll really feel the sacrifice? As long as there’s nothing of personal interest in those bags, like a Bush or Rumsfeld son or daughter, then which of them cares that they’re filling a few more bags every day of the week. What’s a poor ol’ Texas boy to do? After all—it’s the fruits of his personal jihad he’s bagging up, isn’t it?


“In the Texas bush country, fiction is reality enough.” —an unknown soldier